"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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