i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
