he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
