Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
