I am in a vortex of obligation.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
