If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
as a side note pls kill me
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
