Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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