I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
