we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
