My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
