They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
We left the knife in your bed.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
