I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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