Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
