My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
