i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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