Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
