I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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