So drunk its hurt
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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