the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize