He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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