Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
