Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
