Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
