when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
