You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
