I cut my penus on the lid.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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