All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
