my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
