Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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