new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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