There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i need to put some appletini on your dick
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
