I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It's never too late to be topless.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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