They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
