I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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