that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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