i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
