I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
