I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
