you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
