Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
