A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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