He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
