My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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