You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
