i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
