Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
