He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
