my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize