does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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