apparently the secret to your success is patron
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize