My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
