you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Vodka?
Forever.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Randomize
