Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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