I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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