Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
