Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
