I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
