So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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