She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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