my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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