I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Randomize
