You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
