My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
