highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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