im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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