Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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