i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Randomize
