I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
