You made me cry and you don't even care
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
